


love cannot keep me alive

by l1eyan



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Eating Disorder, M/M, Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Suicide, domestic abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:42:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28980576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/l1eyan/pseuds/l1eyan
Summary: when you are being eaten alive by the demons in your head, can you truly get better and make it out alive?
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	love cannot keep me alive

**Author's Note:**

> with the environment that i am in i am so triggered to relapse from my eating disorder so i thought of posting a draft about it to help me cope and hopefully not have a full-blown relapse. please eat properly and take care of yourself. hope you enjoy this despite the heavy themes. also, i apologize because i just wrote this off my whim :~(  
> also feel free to comment and drop your thoughts :D

hinata and his friends now wants to go and sing in the karaoke again. for the nth time because they want to celebrate finally passing their exams. but damn not today because kuroo was drained to the core from practice. he politely told them that he had to study for a class. well, he really has to but then not that its super necessary because its chemistry. chemistry is easy for him. plus they are just in high school. 

so kuroo decided to drop by the library and linger for a bit to make his excuse feel legit (at least for himself). he hates feeling guilty or being dishonest but he was just really tired. just this one time. he mutters some apologies for hinata and their friends for lying inside his head. when he went to the science section of the library, there was a book with a cat bookmark and when he flipped it open, a neon yellow sticky note welcomed him.

scribbled in a messy handwriting the note read "is there another life? shall i awake and find all this a dream? there must be, we cannot be created for this sort of suffering" and he was drowning in his own thoughts. because first it felt like all the painful events in his life came back to him vividly as if it only happened yesterday. his chest ached at the awoken feelings that he tried to bury a long time ago. two. he knows who this handwriting belongs to. he smirked at the small blond guy looking around trying to find something. 

when kenma spotted kuroo leaning at the bookshelf, kuroo can only imagine the tiny guy as a bull charging forward with hot smoke on his nose and how he looks like a red bandana to him now. and that is how the bedhead guy's life gradually got entangled with the lone wolf in his class.

the blond guy was soundly asleep, the dark bags under his eyes are very much visible. his bones can easily be noticed now, too. kenma has a smaller frame than people his age but he looked emaciated now. kuroo does not want to blame himself but sometimes he wonders if they wouldn’t reach this point if he had only paid more attention to kenma. he feels like he could have done something–anything but his younger self just didn’t know about it.

he presses a light kiss to kenma's cheeks. "i love you." he gently whispers so as not to wake the sleep deprived blond. as he was walking to his workplace he saw a tiny bookshop which reminds him of the old days when they were in grade school. they always drop by a tiny bookstore that the owner lets kenma read books for free because "he looks adorabe" and "kids these days are way too addicted to technology! they seldom hold physical books now!" so that one time, he follows kenma to his hangout spot which is this bookshop.

"ken-chan you nerd!" the young tetsu snatches the book that kenma was reading which made kenma angry storming off the bookshop. tetsu followed kenma all along and when kenma realized this he stopped walking and face tetsu. "why are you following me if you're just going to annoy me!"

well because my parents are just breaking stuff and fighting endlessly on our house. thats why please let me hang out with you! he badly wants to say but he does not want kenma to pity him so he keeps this to himself and stares at the annoyed yet cute face of the young kenma.

whenever kenma gets mad, tetsu's heart flips and he doesn't even know why? maybe because at that moment he is distracted. at that moment he doesn't think about the violent fights that his parents are going through in his house. yes, house because it feels way too called to be called a home. he doesn't think about who he shall go with? maybe he'll go to his grandma but well at this moment, it's only kenma's adorable angry face that fills his brain.

"tetsu!"

"kenma, what's wrong?" it's 2 am and they had just slept at 12 am. kuroo notices the empty spot next to him in the bed. he jolts up and goes to the bathroom where kenma's voice sounds like it came from. what could possibly go wrong when kenma had just come home from being treated? he is now attending therapy. he is going to get better. he is going to get better. please...

kuroo's eyes widened in horror with what he saw in the bathroom. "i'm sorry...i'm sorry" kenma repeatedly apologized as he let down the razor. how much can he take? how much of this? and not only is this question for kuroo's strength but also this applies to kenma's body. how much? what is the leeway? he needs to know. so that he can prepare what to do? how to help him? he will survive. he has to. because if he wouldn't then what is kuroo's life for?

after he has contacted some professional help, they spent most of the time in the hospital. kenma stares at the space and he doesn't even feel like he is there. there is no space between them physically, but why is there no connection? so that one time that kenma cried while eating his hospital meals because he can't stop thinking about how he is losing control of his life and how he will look ugly now and nobody will ever find him attractive because of the bagel that they let him eat–kuroo read him a siken poetry that night which made kenma nostalgic of their past.

“he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you don’t even have a name for.“ kuroo reads out loudly. kenma tried to snatch the book from his hand but he only raised the book even higher.

"why is this highlighted though?" kuroo was puzzled. this book is not in their literature class, right? or does he only pay attention in the science and math subjects?

"please stop messing with my stuff and leave."

"your mom told me to be friends with you." kuroo's laugh fills kenma's room. "why are you so grumpy damn short people are truly closer to hell what do you think?" kenma just rolls his eyes and gives up. now kuroo is on his bed comfortably laying down and reading the book while he is on his study table reading war of the foxes.

the door suddenly opens and kenma's mother grins. "oh my you too are getting along now!" she enters the room and places a bowl full of food to the mini-table on kenma's room and then leaves. kuroo's almost finished the food while kenma does not even grab a bite.

"you're not eating? it taste so good though. so nice to have a mom..."

kenma faced yet another relapse after he was treated. the blond's face was filled with tears and he was uncontrollably sobbing. "i fucking hate this life! i hate all of this!" when kuroo heard kenma's screams, he dropped the knife and the vegetables that he was chopping and hastily went to the room to check on kenma. even the door is only slightly ajar and a bit is only revealed to him–the sight breaks his heart to pieces. kenma was surrounded by food, each has a bite or has been torn. he is trying. kuroo holds back the tears that is threatening to fall at the corner of his eyes. he has to be strong for the both of them. kenma is recovering and that's what is important. yes. he repeats that to himself before opening the door widely and finally facing kenma.

"hey..." he gently approaches the kenma that is holding a fork and forcing himself to eat pasta. kenma looks up at kuroo. kuroo squats on the floor and slowly gives kenma a hug. the huge man gently taps kenma's back and then rubs circles on it. "its okay...baby im proud of you everyday. please take your time, okay? i am here for you. i'll always be here."

"i'm sorry for being such a trouble...i honestly have nothing to offer you tetsu i–"

"shhh...no, i am with the love of my life. you are good enough and more for me kenma."

that night they slept really peacefully–well at least tetsu. kenma tried to recall every moment with tetsu. their families tried to make them the best of friends but they hated each other. during high school tetsu caught kenma reading siken poetry and immediately knew he was gay. during college, they fell in love with each other despite the banters. they moved in together. all those years are hazy to him like a fleeting dream that needs to end, like a reality that no matter how hard he grasps it, it disappears to nothingness.

he thinks about all the years tetsu has spent caring for him. he thinks about how tiring it is to be in a relationship with someone who is not their self anymore because kenma feels like he is not a person anymore. he is not kenma anymore, he is a human being that is swallowed all out by his mental illness. he is trying , but its just not enough for him to get better. fuck he was trying so hard to be better even not for himself anymore, even just for the people that loves him.

he feels sorry for all the people that has ever met him because he is such a trouble. he feels annoying. he feels like he deserved nothing of their love, nothing of it all except to rot in the ground six feet deep. he has attempted a lot of times to just end his life–but tonight it was the threshold. it was everything accumulating, it was kuroo looking so exhausted just caring for him. it was his friends getting worried for him being in the hospital all the time. it was his parents–his poor parents suffering all the time, so he just decided to go.


End file.
